Rankings

Putting the important things in life in order

Halloween Traditions, Ranked

If Christmas didn’t exist it would be everyone’s favorite holiday.

Buying sixteen pounds of Halloween Candy in early September and slowly working your way through the entire supply until all you have left to distribute to Trick-or-Treaters on the night of the 31st are Mallo Cups and Three Muskateer Bars.
Attempting to carve a Jack-o-Lantern before giving up halfway through.
After deciding not to do anything for Halloween this year, waking up on the morning of October 30th and rushing over to the Spirit Adventure Store and digging around in the piles of rejected costumes.
Calling the morgue and asking if a “Mr. Richard Mortis” has been admitted.
Trying to stay relevant.
Getting 12 pack of beer, bottle of brandy, and hanging in the local junk yard until sunrise.
Calling dad in jail.
Binge watching the scariest films ever made: The entire Jessia Biel filmography.
Power washing the egg yolks, shaving cream, and soap-writing from your car, sidewalk and vinyl siding.
Clocking out early from the gas station, and then sitting alone in your apartment eating stale candy corn and watching old Kung Fu movies.
Doubling down on the 49ers to win it all this year.
Trying to convince yourself–again–that It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown isn’t godawful.
Scaring yourself silly by reviewing the potential Republican and Democratic nominees for the presidency in 2024.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN, YA’LL!

If you want to read a book with a naive protagonist that may or may not fit into the cast of Friends, check out SHINE BALL a story of a World War I vet’s adventure playing baseball for a minor league team in Lancaster County.

Previous Rankings

Friends
Santa Clauses!
Wes Anderon Films
Queen Elizabeth The Seconds
Dick Vermeils
Paul Thomas Anderson Films
The Black Crowes Albums
Moms
Constellations
St. Patrick Day Tragedies
Derry Girls
Pies
New Year’s Resolutions We’ve Already Broken
Christmas Movies
The Beatles Albums
Monkeys
U2 Albums
Adam Sandler Films
Spice
The White Stripes Albums
Harry Potter Characters
Batman Movies
Seattle Grunge Bands
Months
Starburst Flavors
Seasons of Mad Men
The 1980s
Seasons of The Sopranos
Numbers 1 – 20

Friends!

Lisa Kudrow – Phoebe

Who doesn’t like Lisa Kudrow? She’s a pleasant lady who is easy on the eyes.

2. James Michael Taylor – Gunther

Seems like a nice-enough fellow whose face never stared up at us from the cover of an issue of *US Weekly*.

3. Matt LeBlanc – Joey

Likable guy who had a nice little stint on *Top Gear*, and from the few clips we’ve seen online of the HBO Max *Friends Reunion*, appears to have settled into the role of being the affable Irish uncle every family, Irish or not, seems to have.

4. David Schwimmer – Todd? Was that his name?

Almost made Robert Kardashian likable in comparison….oh, shit! *Ross*, he played a guy named Ross! That’s it.

5. Oscar Wilmont

I’ve known Oscar for 24 years–oh my God has it really been that long?–now and I have to say, he is one of the nicest, most dependable guys….oh, wait. Sorry. This is a mistake. This was supposed to be on a ranking of my friends.

6. Courteney Cox – Monica

She spells Courtney with two “e’s”. What the hell?

7. Matthew Perry – Chandler

The dude is on the record as claiming he invented sarcasm. Seriously.

8. Jennifer Aniston – Rachel

Gossip magazine cover girl and hairstyle influencer, one of the myriad of reasons some countries hate America so much.

Santa Clauses

There have been countless versions of Jolly St. Nick, here we rank the best.

Edmund Gwenn, Miracle on 34th Street (1947)

My man could speak Dutch…*Dutch*! He made even the hardest of hearts believe in Santa Claus, befriended the cynical Natalie Wood and made a believer of her. His beard is 100% all-natural, and he sleeps with his whiskers on the outside of his blanket because the cold air helps them grow. He helped a lawyer score a super-hot single mother, and had his existence proven with the help of the United States Post-office. If only he could have convinced Natalie Wood to stay the hell away from Robert Wagner.

2. David Huddleston, Santa Claus: The Movie (1985)

The Big Lebowski himself, thirteen years before Jeffrey Lebowski’s rug was micturated upon.

3. Ed Asner, Elf (2003)

A hard-assed Santa Claus, who didn’t take shit from anyone and wouldn’t hesitate a second to cave in the skull of some punk Central Park mugger with a crowbar. But, he but still has a soft spot in his heart when it comes to the world’s children.

4. Mel Gibson, Fatman (2020)

If Martin Riggs became Santa Claus. The producers of *Violent Night* obviously saw this and said, “HEY! LET’S DO A DUMBER VERSION OF THAT!”

5. Charles Durning, Elmo Saves Christmas (1996)

An exasperated Santa, who doesn’t suffer fools easily, and is stuck dealing with the fools on Sesame Street. Durning’s performance gave adults stuck watching this movie on constant repeat during the holidays, because of their four year old saying “Play it again!”, something to enjoy.

6. Kenneth Anger

Experimental filmmaker known for…oh, wait, sorry. This is a mistake. This was meant for our list ranking the best Satanists, not Santas.

7. Gil Phillips, Oak Lawn Mall Santa, Chicago, Illinois (1979-1992)

Gil was beloved by the children of the greater Chicagoland area throughout the 1980s. Retired to Fort Lauderdale in 1993. (KAREN BLEIER/AFP/Getty Images)

8. Kurt Russell, The Christmas Chronicles (2018) and The Christmas Chronicles 2 (2020)

It’s Kurt Russell…as Santa Claus. ’nuff said. Add Goldie Hawn as Mrs. Claus, and you have us hook, line, and sinker.

9. Tim Allen, The Santa Clause Franchise

Merry Christmas, all you Santa-heads. If you want to read a book without any mention of Santa Claus, check out SHINE BALL a story of a World War I vet’s adventure playing baseball for a minor league team in Lancaster County.

Wes Anderson Films

Rushmore (1998)
Bottle Rocket (1996)
The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (2004)
The Darjeeling Limited (2007)
The Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009)
The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014)
Moonrise Kingdom (2012)
Isle of Dogs (2018)
The French Dispatch (2021)

Well, there you have it. A definitive ranking of Wes Anderson’s films. With the exception of a couple of outliers it’s been basically a downward trajectory for our favorite tweed wearing Texan. Let’s hope Asteroid City bucks that trend.

If you want to read a book with a naive protagonist that may or may not fit into one of Anderson’s twee films, check out SHINE BALL a story of a World War I vet’s adventure playing baseball for a minor league team in Lancaster County.

Queen Elizabeth the Seconds, Ranked!

In honor of the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee we rank the Queen along with the fine ladies of cinema who have portrayed her to determine which is the best Queen Elizabeth II.

Olivia Colman, The Crown seasons 3 and 4

Olivia Colman in “The Crown”. She was the best so far. Fun gal, loves a drink or two and some wacko party games. Yet, remains graceful and elegant.

2. Claire Foy, The Crown Seasons 1 and 2

3. Queen Elizabeth II

The Queen herself. Yes, she’s the longest sitting monarch in history, but she only became Queen because her Nazi-sympathizing uncle abdicated the throne.

4. Freddie Mercury

Oh, sorry. This is a mistake. This was meant to be on our list ranking members of the rock band Queen.

5. Helen Mirren, The Queen

Thanks to *Excalibur, Caligula, and Calendar Girls,* we have no problem picturing this version of Queen Elizabeth topless.

6. QE2

Once a majestic transatlantic ship for the Cunard Line, it is now a floating hotel for the mega rich who visit Dubai.

There you have it. Queen Elizabeths, everyone’s favorite queen, ranked! If you have no interest in the royal family, but love minor league baseball stories that take place shortly before Elizabeth the Second was born, check out Shine Ball.

Dick Vermeil, Ranked!

Dick Vermiel

Coached the St. Louis Rams in the Greatest Super Bowl Ever, 1999 NFL Coach of the Year. Took the Philadelphia Eagles to the Super Bowl in 1980.

2. Dennis Quaid as Dick Vermeil in American Underdog: The Kurt Warner Story

Still can’t believe this is an actual movie, but Quaid did a fine job, and he played Mike in *Breaking Away* so he’s always aces in our book

3. Christ in the House of Martha and Mary

Painted in 1655 by renown…oh, wait. This was a mistake. Sorry. This is supposed to on our list ranking the greatest Vermeers.

4. Gregg Kinnear as Dick Vermeil, Invincible: The Vince Papale Story

Mr. Talk Soup played the great coach in this piece-of-shit film that was ruined by Elizabeth Banks.

150,999,999,999,999,999,999. His forward to Jerry Sandusky’s 2001 Autobiography, Touched: The Jerry Sandusky Story.

“He could very well be the Will Rogers of the coaching profession,” Vermeil is quoted, in the forward, that is the definition of “Not aging well.”

Paul Thomas Anderson Films Ranked

by a guy who never saw Hard Eight

There Will Be Blood
Phantom Thread
Boogie Nights
The Master
Punch Drunk Love
Licorice Pizza
Magnolia
Hard Eight* (Because even though I never saw it, it has to be better than…)
Inherent Vice

Most PTA fans can read, if you’re one of them, you may want to buy a book.

The Black Crowes Albums

The Southern Harmony and Musical Companion (1992)
Amorica (1994)
Band (1997 – released as The Lost Crowes 2006)
Three Snakes and One Charm (1996)
Lions (2001)
Shake Your Money Maker (1990)
Warpaint (2008)
Tall (1993 – released as The Lost Crowes 2006)
By Your Side (1999)
Before the Frost…Until the Freeze (2009)
Croweology (2010)

Hey there Amorican, once you’re done arguing this ranking, you may want to buy a book.

TV Moms!

Clair Huxtable, The Cosby Show
Claire Dunphy, Modern Family
Kitty Forman, The Seventies Show
Marge Simpson, The Simpsons
June Cleaver, Leave it to Beaver
Donna Stone, The Donna Reed Show
Laurie Petrie, The Dick Van Dyke Show
Carol Brady, The Brady Bunch
Susan, Sesame Street
Elyse Keaton, Family Ties

Constellations!

ORION, THE HUNTER

2. THE BIG DIPPER/URSA MAJOR, ‘THE GREAT BEAR’

3. FRANK

Sorry, this is a mistake. This is supposed to be on our list ranking the best Costanzas, not constellations.

4. TAURUS, ‘THE BULL’

Yeah, sure, I guess it looks like a bull

5. THE LITTLE DIPPER/URSA MINOR, ‘THE LITTLE BEAR’

Not quite as impressive as the Big Dipper, is it?

6. GEMINI, THE TWINS

A popular constellation and light beer marketing campaign, circa 2003

Hey there, star gazer, when you’re not peering through your telescope, you could be reading. Here are some options.

Tragic Things That Can Happen on St. Patrick’s Day

The Applebee’s runs out of green beer.
Slipping in someone’s ham and cabbage vomit.
A fight breaks out at breakfast.
When the men’s room is out of order and you’re told to “Go against the dumpster out back.”
Waking up to the realization you’re dating Pete Davidson
Hearing those dreaded words, “That’s it. I’m leaving you.”
A fight breaks out at Mass.
Hearing those dreaded words, “That’s it. You’re cut off.”
Waking up to the realization you are Pete Davidson.
You forget what day it is and accidentally wear your Philadelphia Flyers tee shirt to the AOH meeting.
When someone responds to your impassioned argument with, “Well, they’re not part of NATO and much worse is happening in the Congo.”
Getting stuck next to some frat kid at the bar who is bending your ear about how Mumford and Sons is the greatest Irish band ever.
No one joins you in egging the British Pub down the street.
Someone’s befouled the back seat of the Uber.
Not one cable station or streaming service is playing The Quiet Man.

If you over do it today, while you’re drunk and shopping online, buy Mrs. Kennedy? It won’t hurt you. Not at all.

Derry Girls

Orla

We’d party with this space cadet any day

2. Michelle

We’d party with this over-sexed, borderline alcoholic any day.

3. Erin

This kid’s got moxie, we’ll give her that.

4. Roma Downey

Sorry, this is a mistake. This was meant to be put on our famous people *from* Derry list.

5. Clare

A little too self-serious and high strung for our taste, but she’s a harmless gal.

6. James

Derry Girls season three has been delayed for some reason. Something about a virus. Any way, why not kill the time reading Mrs. Kennedy? It won’t hurt you. Well, maybe a paper cut or two…

PIES!

Apple

As American as baseball and politicizing everything.

2. Lemon meringue

3. The pie that hit this asshole in the face.

Hitting Bill Gates in the face with a pie should be a National Past-time.

4. Key Lime

5. Coconut Custard

6. Strawberry

7. Pi

8. Pumpkin

If it ain’t Fall, why are you eating this?

9. Shepherd’s

A nod to our readers from the British isles and/or shepherds.

10. Mincemeat

11. Pewdie

Our 15 year old intern suggest adding this pie

It between stuffing your face with sweet, sweet (or meaty) pie, why not purchase Mrs. Kennedy? It won’t hurt.

New Year’s Resolutions We’ve Already Broken

Every year, on January 1st, millions of people make resolutions to start the new year off right, and make themselves better people. Unfortunately, of those millions, most break their resolutions less than a week into the new year. Here we have ranked the resolutions, in order, that Americans have already broken just three days in.

Finally kicking “H”.
Paying less for gasoline.
Never paying any attention to Antonio Brown’s antics again.
Not sending drunken one AM text messages to ex-wife.
Not gaining twenty pounds in two days.
Putting cap on the tube of tooth paste after each use.
Never pissing the bed, drunk, again.
Don’t hit on Monica Bellucci at that charity function.
Beating the Raiders, at home, to clinch a playoff berth with a great quarterbacking performance.
Remembering kids’ names.
Stop scaring ourselves with the thought that 2022 is actually pronounced: 2020, too.

If your New Year’s Resolution was to read more in 2022, might we suggest purchasing Mrs. Kennedy? It won’t hurt.

Christmas Movies, Ranked!

Billy Bob Thornton and Lauren Graham in a movie only someone with severe mental and emotional issues would list as a “great Christmas movie”.

….by an absolute maniac

1. Die Hard
2. Lethal Weapon
3. Die Hard 2: Die Harder
4. Gremlins
5. Batman Returns
6. Less Than Zero
7. Bad Santa
8. Christmas with the Kranks
9. Silent Night, Deadly Night
10. Home Alone

There they are: the ten greatest Christmas movies ever made as ranked by a complete raving lunatic. If you want to read a book that takes place around Christmas check out Mrs. Kennedy.

The Beatles Albums*, Ranked!

These guys are pretty good. You should check them out.

Revolver
Abbey Road
The Beatles (aka The White Album)
Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band
Rubber Soul
Help
A Hard Day’s Night
Magical Mystery Tour
Let It Be
The Beatles For Sale
With The Beatles
Yellow Submarine
Please Please Me

*we only ranked the core 13 studio albums, not the compilation albums, and not the butchered American versions of their pre-Revolver albums, because they don’t count.

You obviously like, or at least heard of, The Beatles. Why not buy Mrs. Kennedy while you’re here? It has absolutely nothing to do with The Fab Four, but you still may like it. Who knows?

Monkeys, Ranked!

Golden Snub-Nosed Monkey

2. Snow Monkey

This snow monkey is three hundred years old.

3. Mike Nesmith

Sorry, this is an error. This was supposed to be on the listing of the best *Monkees.*
(Despite rumors to the contrary, that was Papa Nez’s hat.)

4. Black Snub Nosed Monkey

Who wouldn’t want to cuddle with this fierce death machine?

5. Mandrill Monkey

We’re kinda scraping the bottom of the barrel here, aren’t we? Well, anyway, why not buy Mrs. Kennedy while you’re here?

U2 Albums, Ranked!

Achtung Baby
The Joshua Tree
All That You can’t Leave Behind
War
The Unforgettable Fire
Songs of Innocence
Rattle and Hum
How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb
Pop
Zooropa
Songs of Experience
Boy
No Line on the Horizon
October

No need to argue, this ranking has been scientifically proven as fact. While you’re listening to your 30th Anniversary re-issue of Achtung Baby, why not do it while reading Mrs. Kennedy?

Adam Sandler Films, Ranked!

Adam Sandler in the masterpiece, *Uncut Gems*, his finest movie and finest role. If you disagree I’ll lock you in a security anteroom and force you to watch 76ers Basketball

By a guy who hasn’t seen a lot of Adam Sandler Films

Uncut Gems
Punch Drunk Love
Happy Gilmore
Billy Madison
Big Daddy
Little Nicky

Hey there, Sandman Fan, why not buy Mrs. Kennedy ?

The White Stripes Albums, Ranked!

1. Get Behind Me Satan
2. White Blood Cells
3. Elephant
4. Icky Thump
5. The White Stripes
6. De Stijl

Hey, the peppermint kid, why not buy Mrs. Kennedy ?

Spices, Ranked!

We rank the best spices!

Oregano

2. Cumin

3. Ginger

4. Cayenne

5. Thyme

6. Black Pepper

Hey there person who likes good bait and switch, and 24 year old jokes, check out the book, Mrs. Kennedy

15 Best Harry Potter Characters, Ranked Best to Worst

(By a guy who never read the books and only saw two of the movies…)

The Big Hairy Guy
Hermione Granger
The One Gary Oldman played
Hans Gruber
Steve, the Janitor
The Principal, Or, Headmaster, Whatever You Call Him, When Richard Harris Played Him
The Bad Guy With No Face
The Kid With All the Magic Powers
The Cute One
The Guy With The Googly Eyes Played by the Actor Who Is In All The Movies I Watch Around Saint Patrick’s Day
Nearly Headless Nick
Wasn’t There Like A Half-Snake/Half Man Thing?
The Bartender In The Leaky Cauldron
The One Who Is The Christ Allegory
Moaning Myrtle

If you want to read a book with no wizards, no magic, no British people, just good ol’ American Muggles, check out Mrs. Kennedy

Batman Films Ranked Best to Worst

The Dark Knight (2008)
The Dark Knight Rises (2012)
Batman (1989)
Batman Begins (2005)
Batman Returns (1992)
Batman Forever (1995)
Batman: The Movie (1966)
Batman & Robin (1997)
The Justice League (2016)
Batman V. Superman: The Dawn of Justice (2017)

While you’re here, Batbrain, why not buy the new book Mrs. Kennedy

Seattle Grunge Bands Ranked Best to Worst

Pearl Jam
Alice in Chains
Nirvana
Soundgarden
Screaming Trees
The Presidents of the USA

Hey there, while you’re reminiscing about your days wearing combat boots with loose laces and a plaid shirt in ninety-degree weather, why not buy the new book Mrs. Kennedy