Forty-four years ago this week, George Lucas released his game-changing film Star Wars: A New Hope. Yes, it was just called Star Wars at the time and wasn’t renamed A New Hope until 1981, but if there is one thing we believe in around here it’s revisionist history, so A New Hope it is.
“Wait,” you say. “Why are you celebrating the forty-fourth anniversary of a film’s release?” Well, we weren’t here for the fortieth anniversary in 2017 and if we’re still here ranking candy flavors and people who share the same last name this time next year, then our lives are not going as we planned.
So, what do you say? Let’s get down to the nitty-gritty and rank the Star Wars films best to worst.
The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
Hands down the greatest Star Wars film ever made and on the Mount Rushmore of greatest sequels ever alongside The Godfather Part II, Lethal Weapon 2, and The Dark Knight. Directed by Irvin Kersher and written by Leigh Brackett and Lawrence Kasdan, it is the film from Episodes one through six that George Lucas had the least to do with. Is it just a coincidence that the film Lucas had the least to do with is the best? After watching the prequels, the answer is no.
If you’re taking valuable time out of your day to read this nonsense, you already know the plots of these films so I won’t bore you with a recap. However, the third act of Empire is probably the darkest in the franchise—I say this fully acknowledging there is a film in this series in which the main character slaughters small children.
As a child, I remember The lightsaber duel and Vader’s revelation that he is Luke’s father were horrifying. The anticipation leading up to Return of the Jedi, brought on by the cliff-hangeresque ending, was a cultural phenomenon that lasted for three years.
Pros: Sequels are usually, “the first film but more.” The Empire Strikes Back took a turn away from A New Hope into more sinister and darker territory; the chemistry between Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher; the film expands the Star Wars universe taking us to new worlds such as the ice planet, Hoth, the swamp planet Dagobah, the cloud planet, um, Cloud City; introduces Billy Dee Williams as Lando Calrissian, who easily became both the coolest character and the coolest actor ever associated with Star Wars; Yoda, the physical puppet and not the CGI nightmare he’d become in the prequels; the lightsaber duel; “I am your father”; Lobot; the bad guys win; “I love you” / “I know.”
Cons: Irvin Kersher didn’t direct Return of the Jedi.
A New Hope (1977)
The one that started it all.
Pros: That stunning opening shot of the Star Destroyer; the Sandpeople; the Death Star; Carrie Fisher’s cinnamon roll hairstyle; Han Solo justifiably murdering Greedo; the trash compactor scene; the visual effects; the location shooting; the entire third act.
Cons: Who knew Mark Hamill’s whiney performance as Luke Skywalker would foreshadow his whiney social media presence in real life?; Luke’s depressed line of “I can’t believe he’s gone,” after Obi-Wan dies. He literally just met Obi-Wan the day before and is mourning more than he did the horrific murder of his de facto parents (Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru) that he witnessed that morning; you’d think an entire planet blowing up would cause more of a rift throughout the galaxy; how exactly did they plan on escaping the Death Star without leaving Obi-Wan behind?; the special edition that added digital Jaba and had Han Solo not murdering Greedo but merely get the drop on him in a self-defense shooting; the absolute speciesism of giving humans Han Solo and Luke Skywalker medals but ignoring the contributions of wookie Chewbacca during the medal ceremony; sent an entire generation of kids down an unhealthy road towards nerdom that would result in, 40 years later, only comic book movies making any real money.
The Force Awakens (2015)
The one that reminded us all that, hey, this Star Wars thing was really good and a lot of fun.
Pros: It was shot on film, on locations and not on digital in front of green screens in a tiny air-conditioned studio; Daisy Ridley is fantastic; Kylo Ren was the perfect millennial version of Darth Vader, young, needy, not yet ready to take on his responsibilities, and throwing hysterical fits any time things didn’t go his way; there was a sense of fun and adventure returned to the series.
Cons: When you make a four billion dollar purchase of a movie franchise and plan to kick off a whole new trilogy, it would make sense to have a plan for how all three films will play out instead of just flying by the seat of your pants and winging it; despite how enjoyable the movie was, there was a lot of missed opportunity
Return of the Jedi (1983)
The one that tied everything in a nice little bow—oh, wait.
Pros: A satisfying if not a great conclusion to the trilogy; THIS; the whole Taatoine craziness; Max Rebo from The Max Rebo Band; the land speeder scenes are iconic; the greatest lightsaber duel in all of the films.
Cons: Ewoks; the plan to rescue Han Solo from Jaba the Hutt’s palace may be one of the most convoluted plans in film history; Ewoks; the original idea to have Han Solo die and a much darker ending would have made for a better film; Ewoks; Obi-Wan Kenobi’s mental gymnastics in explaining why he lied to Luke about Darth Vader killing his father as opposed to being his father, “Well, technically Darth Vader DID kill your father”; Ewoks.
Revenge of the Sith (2005)
The darkest one. Seriously, it’s almost Season Three of The Sopranos dark.
Pros: It doesn’t pull any punches; the one-shot opening, while not the opening to Touch of Evil or the Goodfellas Copacabana scene since it was done on a computer and not in reality, was really cool; Ian McDiarmid as the Emperor is Goddamn phenomenal and easily the greatest acting performance in any of these goofy movies; no Jar Jar Binks; the lightsaber duel was bloated, way too long, and stupid, but the prelude to it with Obi-Wan Kenobi and Padme confronting Anakin and the conclusion with Obi-Wan’s “You were my brother…I loved you…” is actually (this is embarrassing to admit) pretty heartbreaking.
Cons: It’s one of the prequels so, way too much CGI and too much green screen shit; the tone in the opening is bizarre as it contains adventure, slapstick comedy, and a beheading?!; General Grievous was kinda dropped in here out of nowhere; Chewbacca was ruined; that lightsaber duel at the end was bloated, stupid, and way too long; there’s a scene where the lynchpin of the entire film franchise murders children; how stupid is the Jedi Council that none of them caught on to the fact that Palpatine is a Sith Lord and that Anakin was a tremendously tortured person on the brink of complete mental collapse?
The Last Jedi (2017)
The one that Disney handed over to Rian Johnson to ruin.
Pros: Having Rey turn out to be a “nobody” was a brilliant move; killing Snoke was actually an inspired idea; Luke Skywalker being a bitter old malcontent in exile was refreshing and unexpected.
Cons: There is a “your momma” joke in a friggin’ Star Wars film; The B plot–or is it the C plot?–with Finn and Rose and Benicio Del Toro going to a…casino and a horse racing track and then sneaking onto a Star Destroyer was the most tedious and insipid plot point in all of these films…and that includes all that Senate bullshit in the prequels; I don’t need a war profiteer subplot in my Goddamn Star Wars movie; the film should have ended with Kylo Ren offering to team up with Rey after killing Snoke, then we’d have a little something called “cliff hanger” that would build anticipation for Episode Nine; I think it’s like seven hours long or some shit.
Attack of the Clones (2002)
The one that wasn’t as bad as the one before.
Pros: Natalie Portman looked really good; the Obi-Wan learning about the Clone Army and the romantic plot between Anakin and Padme were both interesting scenes; Anakin slaughtering all of the sand people after failing to rescue his mother was very well done and the following scene when he describes to Padme his murderous exploits was the best-acted scene in the film; it was very entertaining watching Yoda fight Christopher Lee; limited Jar-Jar Binks.
Cons: It’s a prequel film so the use of CGI and green screen is nauseating; There’s a Fifties style diner in the Star Wars universe?; Read the pros and just assume anything not listed there is a con.
Rogue One (2016)
The one that should have been part three of the prequel trilogy
Pros: Um…that depressed robot was pretty great; it was the “war” film of the Star Wars series; the fifteen minutes of screen time Darth Vader gets including his complete ass-kicking of rebel troops makes the film almost worth the price of admission. Seriously the prequels should have started with Attack of the Clones, had Episode Two be Revenge of the Sith and then Episode Three be a MUCH MORE VADER HEAVY version of Rogue One.
Cons: who are these people and why do I care?
The Phantom Menace (1999)
The one that let us all down….
Pros: Hey everyone, Star Wars is back!; the Pod Racing scene and the lightsaber duel are both legitimately cool.
Cons: Jar Jar Binks makes the Ewoks look like The Magnificent Seven; wait Anakin Skywalker is basically Jesus Christ? Jesus Christ; we have a movie centered around a nine-year-old; Jar Jar Binks; totally wasted Darth Maul; Jar-Jar Binks; seventeen years of anticipation since Return of the Jedi and we got this? It’s not exactly The Color of Money following The Hustler; Jar-Jar Binks; the cartoon battle between the Gungans and the useless, charmless Battle Droids is too stupid for words; Jar Jar Binks.
Solo: A Star Wars Story (2018)
The totally unnecessary one
Pros: It’s not The Rise of Skywalker
Cons: Did anyone really ask for a Han Solo backstory?; Alden Ehreneich and Donald Glover are not the greatest nor most charming actors to begin with, but putting them in a situation where they are directly compared to Harrison Ford and Billy Dee Williams—arguably two of the most charming actors, like, ever—really did them no favors; shoe-horning in a subplot about the civil rights of robots; we didn’t need to see the Kessel Run; wait, Darth Maul who was cut in half and then plummeted approximately a million feet down an air shift somehow lived?!; there was no point to this film and its existence is borderline insulting.
The Rise of Skywalker
At least it’s over
Pros: At least it’s over; hey, Billy Dee Williams is back!
Cons: Wait, the Emperor survived the end of Return of the Jedi? Why? How? We saw him thrown down a gigantic airshaft after electrocuting himself, the airshaft was in a space station that was then, shortly thereafter, blown into a million pieces. How did he survive that?! Also, doesn’t having him survive totally negate Darth Vader’s sacrifice at the end of Return of the Jedi?; Wait, the Emperor in this movie is actually a clone of the original Emperor? huh? What? That was never freaking explained in the movie!; Wait, Rey isn’t a nobody (as was established in the previous film) she’s actually the Emperor’s granddaughter?; Wait, the Emperor, this guy, had sex with someone and procreated; wait, why is Keri Russell in this movie? especially since you never see her face; wait, “they fly now?”; Chewbacca should have died, the force tug of war between Rey and Ren which led to a spaceship, we were led to believe had Chewbacca aboard, explode was actually the only cool scene in the movie and it led to nothing because he wasn’t actually on that spaceship; wait, Han Solo, an agnostic smuggler, can speak from beyond the grave?; wait, Princess Leia actually turned into Han Solo to make it appear he came back from the dead? Is that what happened?; there was enough plot in this bloated, off the rails insanity to keep a twenty-episode television series on the air and they jammed it all into two hours and twenty minutes; wait, they’re riding horses on the outside of a spaceship flying through, um, space?; wait, an entire 7 million-member space fleet was just hanging out underground for decades?; what was this shit?
No point arguing, the above is the definitive ranking of the Star Wars films.
Hey, Star Wars geek, while you’re here, why not buy the new book, MRS. KENNEDY?
JMB Writes Stuff 
